I would pay good money to see "The Running of the Congressmen."

You know the Oprahfication of America is out of control when Cookie Monster is reduced to introspection. McSweeney's:

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

You, too, can help Cory Doctorow remove his Apple tattoo. I join Gus in snickering.

If you're not listening to The Onion Radio News, you're missing a good chuckle.

So I'm sitting here watching Spain play Saudi Arabia in the World Cup, and we're having more and more of the pathetic overacting by the players when they get tackled/kicked/knocked down. Can we stop this sad display, manly football men of the world? Look, I know it hurts like hell when you get kicked in the shin, but I thought that was the point of wearing those pads inside the socks that pull up to your jock strap. Yet these guys get tapped on the shin, they go down like a load of bricks, and writhe around as if their opponent just sliced off their lower leg with a sword. Razor's right; enough already. I've watched the team of thirteen year-olds my friend Gary's stepson plays on, and they whack at one another more than these "top players in the world", with less faked agony. If you want soccer to catch on more in the U.S., show us you all can act like men and take your licks. This goes double for the eliminated U.S. team.

My Ping Pong Vader shirt arrived today. Me so happy.

If you ever see me wearing the Beer Holster, you have permission to slap me silly.

Headline of the Day: "Jon Lovitz Says Income From Subway Commercials Allows Him A Certain Creative Freedom"

Ratatouille looks hysterical. "You know, if you can sort of muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kind of food possibilities open up." Now I can't wait until next year, and it's just now opening weekend for this year's Pixar release...

I so want a t-shirt of Vader playing ping pong, but the only guy size they have is small, and I'm a 2X. If you want a different size, be sure to clink on the link to ask for a reprint. (An e-mail reply from Brian at Oddica says to expect them in the next week or so; he's a 2X, too.) [Via Uncrate.]

An interesting factoid I learned today: a grouping of owls is called a "parliament".

I realize you want to get your DVD to market pretty quick, since DVD sales have skyrocketed, but when you have a built-in marketing date--"Remember, remember, the 5th of November"--why in Spielberg are you releasing on August 1st?

My bride and I have noticed a quirk of psychology regarding the consumption of milk in our abode. Based on the recommendation of friends a couple of years ago, we prefer Horizon Organic milk, and originally bought it in half-gallon cartons, since this seemed to be the largest size the stores that carried the brand would stock. At some point, gallon sizes appeared, and we began purchasing the larger size. This is when the quirk began: We drank less milk when we had the gallon container than when we had two half-gallon containers. I'm still trying to figure out why this is so. As a result of our not drinking as much milk, we found ourselves reaching and going beyond the expiration dates on the gallon-sized milk, something we'd never done with the half-gallon containers. (It should be noted that milk in cartons often have farther-out expiration dates than milk in semi-transparent jugs.) Switching back to half-gallon containers, we're back to drinking more milk than when we purchased the gallon sizes. I'm somewhat baffled. Amateur shrinks, have at it.

A new auction record was set yesterday when a 300 year-old Stradivarius violin was sold for $3.54 million. The former owner loaned the instrument out to violinists, and it sounds as if the new owner will continue to do the same. Someone sign me up for those concerts.

"Spain Raids Stamp-Collecting Firms" Pursuing terrorists who murder our citizens, not that high a priority. But those stamp collectors have got to be stopped. "Asian Currencies Soar on U.S. Criticism" Just think of what they could do with some positive reinforcement! "Zombie master sentenced to 5 years in prison" It's only five years, though, so stock up on shotgun shells, and remember to always aim for the head. "Will Film Spell Success for Starbucks?" Is this what education has come to in America? Listen up, Starbucks, it's "S, u, c, c..."

"Exxon Profit Is Shy of New Record" Sounds like Exxon Profit needs to be more assertive, and not such a wallflower. "IBM to Offer Smaller Mainframe" Now only taking up half of the typical family home! "Fuji Film Sinks Into Losses" Remind me to never travel to Losses. "Does France really need its own search engine?" Does the world really need France? Better wine in California, better cheese in Wisconsin...